So somehow, it is already the middle of October. This week marked our 7th week of classes at Sciences Po, more than half way through with the semester. It marked the necessity of picking final paper topics, checking all the final due dates for exposés, digressions, and fiche techniques, and starting to worry about the fact that I don't have a ticket home for Christmas. Life just seems to be flying by at some unreal pace, causing me to constantly be running after trains, sprinting through the rain and just generally being a complete nutcase who clearly doesn't have her shit together.
But this week was a bit of a struggle; maybe it was the ever-evolving weather, turning from the beautiful and sunny Fall in Paris to the bleak, rainy, windy Fall in Paris. Maybe it was from the exhaustion from eating entirely way too much and helping my host mother entertain her guests this weekend. Maybe it was the fiche technique, essay, and internship application that were all due within a 24 hour period. But whatever it was, it was the first time I've really not been happy here. Everything seemed super overwhelming; nothing seemed to be getting better. Not even the little things seemed to be going well. Walking in to Starbucks yesterday, for example, not only did I wait in line for 20 minutes, but there was also not a single spot open to work. Upon walking down the stairs to leave, I ended up slipping on the wet steps and falling on my ass, hitting the edge of the steps ; luckily, I saved my computer from being smashed to pieces, but I now have a huge hematoma on my butt and back from where I hit the two steps (it makes it difficult to sit, lie down... one can imagine the inconvenience of that).
I realized today though that this week was normal. Life is full of ups and downs - I always knew that, but I guess it takes a few experiences to really get an idea like that. When we're growing up, we have such an idealized view of the world; I remember thinking when I was in high school that I was a realist. Now it's almost cute to look back on what I thought life was going to be like. I had a lot of expectations about studying abroad, especially in Paris. This was always one of my big dreams, studying at Sciences Politiques, meeting French people, living in a city for a year and being independent. And yes, I'm getting to do those things, and they are truly amazing, but they are not what I saw in my dreams. I think that this week was the tipping point for me, when I finally realized that this experience is not playing out the same way my perfectly constructed dreams played out. It made me feel out of control. And then I realized that despite the fact that not everything is going exactly as planned, this experience has been amazing in different ways, ways that I never could have imagined four years ago when I was only a junior in high school. No, I haven't been to the Louvre every other weekend; in fact, I haven't even been yet. I don't stop in cafés every day after class to meet up with all the French students I've met. I don't waltz around my apartment's kitchen, helping my host mother cook. There are no little French kids running around, constantly wanting to play games. Instead, I get to take ballet classes at a dance institute run by dancers from the National Ballet de Paris. I get to eat amazing food cooked by my host mother as she complains about politics and Romney and all the "bêtises" she makes. I've been to an opera and a ballet, and I'm going to a comedy at LA Comédie française and a concert this week. I have been French students, who I've been lucky to share a few laughs with. But most of all, I've been able to get to know Paris, by walking around it's streets, even when it's raining or I'm being followed by strange men at 3am. I've learned more about myself in the last three weeks than I think I learned all of last semester (and I learned a lotttt about myself last semester - surprising how telling horoscopes can be...) How I learn, how I study, how I think, what I value, what I seek in people, places, and things. Most of all, the mistakes I've made and the fears that made me make them. And that is what I needed.
I can now look at the rest of this year in a new light - making it what I can, instead of trying to fit it into the perfectly shaped form I thought I wanted. There will be more weeks that suck (I can't imagine what the first day of ice and snow is going to be like here), and there will be weeks when I feel like I never want to step foot outside of this city. All of that is part of the experience, and it's usually in our darkest days that we learn the most about who we are [I feel like that's some botched up mix of quotes].
Sorryyy, rant done (I apologize for any writing errors as well)! Heading to Versailles tomorrow so expect pictures soon!!
Bisous xoxo
But this week was a bit of a struggle; maybe it was the ever-evolving weather, turning from the beautiful and sunny Fall in Paris to the bleak, rainy, windy Fall in Paris. Maybe it was from the exhaustion from eating entirely way too much and helping my host mother entertain her guests this weekend. Maybe it was the fiche technique, essay, and internship application that were all due within a 24 hour period. But whatever it was, it was the first time I've really not been happy here. Everything seemed super overwhelming; nothing seemed to be getting better. Not even the little things seemed to be going well. Walking in to Starbucks yesterday, for example, not only did I wait in line for 20 minutes, but there was also not a single spot open to work. Upon walking down the stairs to leave, I ended up slipping on the wet steps and falling on my ass, hitting the edge of the steps ; luckily, I saved my computer from being smashed to pieces, but I now have a huge hematoma on my butt and back from where I hit the two steps (it makes it difficult to sit, lie down... one can imagine the inconvenience of that).
I realized today though that this week was normal. Life is full of ups and downs - I always knew that, but I guess it takes a few experiences to really get an idea like that. When we're growing up, we have such an idealized view of the world; I remember thinking when I was in high school that I was a realist. Now it's almost cute to look back on what I thought life was going to be like. I had a lot of expectations about studying abroad, especially in Paris. This was always one of my big dreams, studying at Sciences Politiques, meeting French people, living in a city for a year and being independent. And yes, I'm getting to do those things, and they are truly amazing, but they are not what I saw in my dreams. I think that this week was the tipping point for me, when I finally realized that this experience is not playing out the same way my perfectly constructed dreams played out. It made me feel out of control. And then I realized that despite the fact that not everything is going exactly as planned, this experience has been amazing in different ways, ways that I never could have imagined four years ago when I was only a junior in high school. No, I haven't been to the Louvre every other weekend; in fact, I haven't even been yet. I don't stop in cafés every day after class to meet up with all the French students I've met. I don't waltz around my apartment's kitchen, helping my host mother cook. There are no little French kids running around, constantly wanting to play games. Instead, I get to take ballet classes at a dance institute run by dancers from the National Ballet de Paris. I get to eat amazing food cooked by my host mother as she complains about politics and Romney and all the "bêtises" she makes. I've been to an opera and a ballet, and I'm going to a comedy at LA Comédie française and a concert this week. I have been French students, who I've been lucky to share a few laughs with. But most of all, I've been able to get to know Paris, by walking around it's streets, even when it's raining or I'm being followed by strange men at 3am. I've learned more about myself in the last three weeks than I think I learned all of last semester (and I learned a lotttt about myself last semester - surprising how telling horoscopes can be...) How I learn, how I study, how I think, what I value, what I seek in people, places, and things. Most of all, the mistakes I've made and the fears that made me make them. And that is what I needed.
I can now look at the rest of this year in a new light - making it what I can, instead of trying to fit it into the perfectly shaped form I thought I wanted. There will be more weeks that suck (I can't imagine what the first day of ice and snow is going to be like here), and there will be weeks when I feel like I never want to step foot outside of this city. All of that is part of the experience, and it's usually in our darkest days that we learn the most about who we are [I feel like that's some botched up mix of quotes].
Sorryyy, rant done (I apologize for any writing errors as well)! Heading to Versailles tomorrow so expect pictures soon!!
Bisous xoxo
